Looking up Rude Words

I really don’t know what happened to the vinyl copy I once had of Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds or indeed the three or four CD copies that I’ve bought over the last two or three decades. So last night I thought I’d solve the problem of keeping tabs on this musical masterpiece through the gift of iTunes. Using my recently procured iPhone 4s I had no trouble locating my desired aural feast in the iTunes store. I duly pressed the necessary button to indicate I was willing to cough up a further tenner – taking my total War of the Worlds procurement expenditure up to somewhere around the 50 quid mark – fiscally painful but at least pretty simple stuff for a man of my technical accomplishment.

Well you’d have thought so. But, wait a moment Miss Jackson, ’tis not so! I was in fact confronted with the tortuous requirement to fill out Apple’s new security questions, which included such rare gems as…

  • Who was your favourite teacher?
  • Who was your worst teacher?
  • Where were you first kissed?

… there was, I admit a further, if somewhat limited choice of other questions, but these too were presumably all stolen from the 1976 Bunty year book.

Now there were some decent teachers at my school and also some pretty dreadful ones. However, I don’t particularly want to pick favourites and in the case of the worst ones, I simply can’t choose from what was an unfeasibly large but nevertheless highly competitive field. But what really churned my guts about Apple’s pedagogical interest is that I simply don’t want to be reminded of the grim hopeless wasteland that was 1970’s comprehensive education – the word ‘comprehensive’ being some sick civil servant’s idea of irony.

As for ‘where were you first kissed?’. I still can’t figure out if this question is attempting to harvest my geographical or anatomical knowledge. Either way I am far too much of a gentleman to consider answering it.

I assume that the puerile pubescent who dreamed up these asinine enquiries has now gone back to looking up rude words in the dictionary. In the meantime I’m going back to buying my music from Amazon.